Writing Crap Boyfriends Into Sinister Villains

I’ve wasted so much time.

No, I’m not talking about writing books or even blogging. I’m talking about my pathetic, alcoholic ex-boyfriend, of course, who screwed with my mind like it was his new addiction. Another in a long line of the pathetic parasites that infest my dating life, really. However, though an irritating waste of my time that delayed the release of my next book, I realized as I was recovering from my angry warpath that this was a teachable moment. Shitheads help writers write villains. 

And the best villains are the people we love--that become the people we hate. 

Luckily, our artistic minds transform the petty screw-up boyfriends (or girlfriends. "She" works just as well with all of these) we hate into sinister, wretched villains everyone can hate.  Like…

  

The Seducer Vampire

He loves taking you out for dinner

The Seducer specializes in finding what his victim needs so he can take it away. Maybe sex, maybe security, money, maybe a shared interest or understanding. Masquerading as kindness, his victim is utterly taken with him. Until he uses her needs as a means of manipulation, ultimately taking it away so he can watch her suffer. The Seducer is a vampire posing as a magical lover, hypnotizing victims into his dungeon and slowly drinking them dead. He’s Dracula, Lestat, Kurt Barlow. 

The User Court Stooge

Swipe left on this one, ladies.

Ah, my favorite, evidently. The User is consumed by his own needs and feelings, which can never be met. An alcoholic or a drug addict or just a sloppy puppy that can barely feed itself without constant reassurances, the User gets what he wants by playing on his host’s guilt, pity or need to care for something weaker. His life is constantly in shambles and it’s always because of his “bad luck” or “ill fate.” In fiction, the User is the royal court’s manipulative cunt who kills princes with poison while bowing and scraping to the other royals he’ll never be. He’s Little Finger, Lord Belasco, Scar.

 The Abuser Evil Emperor

Likes: Torture, destruction, death.

Emotional, sexual or physical, the Abuser gets pleasure out of degrading and destroying the things he thinks he loves. He either can’t stand what a pathetic shit-sucker he is, or he thinks he’s the master of everything and should be treated as such (or sometimes both, oddly). The most stereotypical shitty partner is also the most stereotypical villain; the warlord sorcerer, the cyborg tyrant, the megalomaniac ninja pirate that wants world domination so can put his giant boot in the ashes. If he can’t own it, he’ll burn it to the ground trying. He’s Sauron, Voldemort, Emperor Palpatine. 

The Liar Sarlacc

Forget the Force, use protection, Luke!

The Liar is a Sarlacc pitfall trap covering his empty hole of a personality with pieces of whatever-you-want-to-hear. He will say, do, be and believe whatever you want (and go to great lengths to figure out what that is) to make you like him. Once you do, the trap falls in and he revels in either eating his victims alive or just watching them slowly die of deprivation. The Liar is less of a character and more of an unfortunate environmental side-effect or beast, though no less dangerous or poisonous. He’s Sarlacc, a Graboid, whatever you want to call the ass-infesting aliens from Dreamcatcher.

The Complete Bag of Shit Monster

Not sure what he's made of, but I know it's shitty.

There’s just no poetic title for this one. A little bit of everything, he’s an oily goo of a terrible person. He’s pathetic and manipulative, full of wrath and lies, a sociopath who knows how to use every one of his victim’s personality traits to his advantage. Most of the time, he doesn’t even know what he is and he wakes up with a new awful personality every morning, like a Wonderball of horror. He’s also a protagonist’s worst nightmare. He’s the shape-shifting shadow monster, the smokey embodiment of evil, the atrocious slime that gets into everything an no one knows how to kill. He’s the Babadook, Hexxus, the Blob, the Nightmare King.

Now that I’ve identified yet another crap-worthless boyfriend, I can get back to what I really love, writing. Book 3: Battle at Bridgetown is finished and will be on Amazon this weekend! Very excited.

Have I missed a shitty partner archetype? Let me know. I’d be happy to include one you may be overly familiar with.